It's funny. It's funny how even when we don't want something we still want it. How even when I don't like certain people I still want to be friends with them?? Why is that??

This past week, 2 of my friendships ended. Technically their endings were both my fault. But to be honest, one stopped contributing to the friendship and the other was never really a friend after all. So, if you looked at everything collectively, you could argue that these people weren't 'true' friends and that is why I acted the way I did. Doesn't necessarily justify my actions, but it certainly helps to explains it and makes me feel better about how it all went down. Why is it though that I care about what they think or what their friends think or what our mutual friends think of the whole situation? That's so stupid and I shouldn't care. What should it matter? So we're no longer friends. People sever ties with one another all the time. Obviously it wasn't meant to be and I don't think there are tonnes of people who actually know what went on but for those that do know, it's enough to make me want to somehow make it all better, to crawl and beg for forgiveness, and to want to be friends with these people again. But why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't give a damn about me?? I made a comment to one of them about 'wanting friends that made me feel cared for' and it was turned around like I needed friends to make me feel better about myself. Um, hello, that's not the same thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have the people in your life, namely your friends, who care about you!!! True, you do feel good when you are cared about, but if you're friends with someone, a true friend, aren't you supposed to give a damn about them?? Isn't that part of being a friend? Otherwise, what's the point??? The bottom line here is that I shouldn't want to be friends again with someone, who wasn't meant to be my friend in the first place, and make up and try to make everything better just because of what other people might think. That would be incredibly stupid of me. A while I was a bitch and shouldn't have been talking behind this girls back (and writing about her in my blog I might add), if she was a true friend and someone that I cared about and felt important to, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. I don't just go around talking smack about people that I care about (and to be honest, I shouldn't be talking smack about anybody in the first place), but I don't. I guess that's the thing with me - if we're friends, I will treat you the way I want to be treated and expect the same in return. I don't think that's too much to ask. Friendship shouldn't be a 1 way street and in my mind, it isn't. Friendship goes BOTH ways. So if you treat me with kindness, I will show you nothing but kindness in return.

So it's sad that things happened the way they did and that two 'friendships' were ended. But what's done is done and I'm not just going to beg and grovel because of other people. There are some things that I feel bad about, but for the most part, I wasn't saying anything that wasn't truthful. I think we were all at fault, no one was innocent or ultimately a victim. We all played a part. My part just allowed for the guillotine to drop. So despite my wanting to just magically make everything better, some things just aren't meant to be and I need to just let it go.