A question on a Monday night

Why is it that skateboarders these days seem to carry their boards around rather than actually using them???? Now walking along a gravel road, or uphill, or something equally as troublesome I can totally understand carrying the board rather than riding it. And in these same instances I could understand the rational behind hitch-hiking while carrying said board. But why have I seen on more than one occasion in the past couple of days, skateboarders not only carrying their boards but hitchhiking as well???!?!?!? I mean, how lazy can you be? In one instance, the dude was on his way to Mayday and it was literally all down hill... um, get on your board and cruise down the hill dude, what kind of boarder are you?? And the one that I saw this evening on our way home from dinner, the ground was completely flat. Maybe it's as simple as if they're actually riding the skateboard, they won't be as likely to get picked up. And maybe they just need to get somewhere so quickly that they can't afford to not get picked up, so that's why they walk instead of ride. Yet, in my opinion, I'm less liking to pick someone up if they have 'wheels', well, because, they have wheels. So if you're just going to hitchhike anyways and not ride your skateboard, maybe you should just leave it at home and not look like such a tool carrying it around with you!!!!!

Mayday

This may seem a little silly, but I am so proud of my little community!!!

It was Mayday on Saturday and let me tell you, it was not the nicest of days to be outside. I mean, there have been worse days in the past with not only rain but fierce winds as well, but it was still a fairly yucky day. The morning started off pretty good and the rain didn't actually start to fall until after the parade, which was fantastic. But despite the weather, people came out and took part and supported the event!!!

It was awesome and it warmed my heart to see all the people there, even though we all knew that the rain was coming and sure enough, it came. It's times like these though that I am so happy to be part of a small community, it is such a nice feeling and I am so happy that we get to raise our son in such a wonderful environment.

That being said, our island is not without its flaws, but on the whole, it is an amazing place.

So even though there was rain and the poor little gaffer was teething with a bit of a fever, Mayday was a success for our little family.

Special Day

Well it's Mayday on Saturday. I love Mayday and I'm particularly excited about it this year because it will be the little gaffer's first one!!! He will still be a little small to really understand what's going on, but I can't wait for him to see the parade, to hear the music from the maypole dancers and enjoy a beautiful day out at the spit!!!! Another fabulous thing about Mayday is being able to catch up with old friends who come home for a visit and seeing other islanders that you may not get to see as often as you'd like. It's funny how on an island that's so small, you rarely see everyone!!!

One other aspect of this Mayday that is extra special, is that it will be exactly 11 years ago to the day that my husband and I had our first Mayday together!!! Unfortunately due to a performance over at Painter's Lodge, we missed the parade, but made it to the dance later that evening (but couldn't actually go to the dance because we were under-age). Nonetheless it was a memorable night, one that I still celebrate every year on May 29th. So this year we can remember the anniversary of our first 'date'/kiss and also share this wonderful island celebration with our little guy - I am so excited!!!!

And for a very special man who will not be there this year, this is for you Larry - you will be missed!!!

Hurray!!! May long weekend is just about over and that means the island folk will soon be able to reclaim the ferries once again. However this will only be for a little while longer as summer is just around the corner. As much as I love summer, this means hellish trips to town as the ferry line-ups are ridiculous and overloads become a regular occurrence. The worst part about being caught in an overload is being stuck in the grueling hot sun. You find yourself practically ready to rip your own clothes off to try and find something to shield your body from the burning sun that is literally burning you as you wait like a sitting duck in the parking lot. It sucks!!! However, summer doesn't last forever and in some ways I'm glad that it doesn't. But I love where I live and if I have to miss a few ferries here and there because there are so many people wanting to come take in the beauty of this island, then that's fine with me.

It's funny. It's funny how even when we don't want something we still want it. How even when I don't like certain people I still want to be friends with them?? Why is that??

This past week, 2 of my friendships ended. Technically their endings were both my fault. But to be honest, one stopped contributing to the friendship and the other was never really a friend after all. So, if you looked at everything collectively, you could argue that these people weren't 'true' friends and that is why I acted the way I did. Doesn't necessarily justify my actions, but it certainly helps to explains it and makes me feel better about how it all went down. Why is it though that I care about what they think or what their friends think or what our mutual friends think of the whole situation? That's so stupid and I shouldn't care. What should it matter? So we're no longer friends. People sever ties with one another all the time. Obviously it wasn't meant to be and I don't think there are tonnes of people who actually know what went on but for those that do know, it's enough to make me want to somehow make it all better, to crawl and beg for forgiveness, and to want to be friends with these people again. But why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't give a damn about me?? I made a comment to one of them about 'wanting friends that made me feel cared for' and it was turned around like I needed friends to make me feel better about myself. Um, hello, that's not the same thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have the people in your life, namely your friends, who care about you!!! True, you do feel good when you are cared about, but if you're friends with someone, a true friend, aren't you supposed to give a damn about them?? Isn't that part of being a friend? Otherwise, what's the point??? The bottom line here is that I shouldn't want to be friends again with someone, who wasn't meant to be my friend in the first place, and make up and try to make everything better just because of what other people might think. That would be incredibly stupid of me. A while I was a bitch and shouldn't have been talking behind this girls back (and writing about her in my blog I might add), if she was a true friend and someone that I cared about and felt important to, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. I don't just go around talking smack about people that I care about (and to be honest, I shouldn't be talking smack about anybody in the first place), but I don't. I guess that's the thing with me - if we're friends, I will treat you the way I want to be treated and expect the same in return. I don't think that's too much to ask. Friendship shouldn't be a 1 way street and in my mind, it isn't. Friendship goes BOTH ways. So if you treat me with kindness, I will show you nothing but kindness in return.

So it's sad that things happened the way they did and that two 'friendships' were ended. But what's done is done and I'm not just going to beg and grovel because of other people. There are some things that I feel bad about, but for the most part, I wasn't saying anything that wasn't truthful. I think we were all at fault, no one was innocent or ultimately a victim. We all played a part. My part just allowed for the guillotine to drop. So despite my wanting to just magically make everything better, some things just aren't meant to be and I need to just let it go.

An Apology

I just want to apologise for criticizing other people's parenting. It is a very un-cool thing to do and I have no right to do it. I'm not a perfect parent nor do I claim to be, but I'm sure I do things that some people would disagree with and I wouldn't want to be criticized either. But I would like to know if I was doing something that was just all out wrong, but that's not what this post is about. I can admit that I am what you would call a 'first time mom'. I probably do things a little too by the book, but I have my babies best interest at heart and I feel like what I'm doing is the right thing. Just like I'm sure some of the mom's that I've written about feel like they're doing the right thing. I'm not going to delete any past entries because I'm not apologising for how I was feeling. But I am sorry for ranting about the way other people parent their kids. Who cares what you feed your baby or dress them in or whatever. That's your deal. You're the parent, you get to choose and say what goes for your kid. Who am I to judge?? And that's just the thing, I shouldn't be judging. Period!!!! That being said, the sun is really rough and tough, so please, please put a hat on your child if it's hot out and/or sunny and you're going to have them out and about. :) And that by the way, was not me being judgmental. That was me just giving a friendly reminder ;)

The hell that is bra shopping

I was in the "big" city yesterday visiting a good friend and her beautiful family and I thought while I was there I should finally get myself some new bras. There is nothing worse in this world than bra shopping!!!! I rather despise shopping of any sort that involves a change room, but bras are in a category all of their own. I don't understand why it is that the sizes have to be so different between all the different brands. It is SO frustrating. I hate trying them on because it almost feels like a work out. Go in, take of your shirt and your bra, try to get the new one set up so that it will go on. Very time consuming. It helps when you can take enough in that you don't have to keep getting undressed and re-dressed again, but it doesn't always work out that way. So what felt like my 10th trip to the change room I figured I might as well take some clothes in with me too and that just added insult to injury. I hate mirrors in dressing rooms that actually tell the 'real' story. While it's nice to know how you 'really' look and haven't been slimmed down, there's nothing worse than leaving the dressing room feeling 10 times worse about yourself than before you went in. So nothing I found looked good and it was a terrible experience, just like it always is. But it wasn't ALL bad. Once I finally decided I would just buy myself the same nursing bra that I already have, to tie me over until I loose some of my personal baggage, I went to find my size. While looking on the racks I stumbled upon an amazing deal!! On the bottom were 3 boxes that had been marked down. Why they were like that, I have no idea. But they were and low and behold, 1 of the 3 was MY size!!! Talk about fate!!! So a bra that would normally cost me $28 was marked down to $10 and when it went through at the till, it was really actually only $5!!! Talk about a great deal!!! Definitely perked me up some, that's for sure!!! Wish all my shopping trips could be like that!!!

I hate that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you've been ripped away from your amazingly fantastic dream. Desperately, you try so hard to fall back to sleep so that you can continue on, like your waking up was you hitting the pause button on a movie. Only this never happens or if it does, it does not follow through with what was originally happening. It is such a disappointment!!!!! A complete let down. This is what happened to me this morning. I was having this incredible dream and to tell you the truth, I have no idea what was going on even now. But it was one of those dreams that I would have given anything to get back to. So when the alarm went off I mumbled 'snooze?' to my husband and then tried to get back to sleep quickly enough that I could slip back into my dream world. Didn't happen.
Stupid cellphone alarms waking me up!!!

Hmmm, today has been one of those interesting days...

I woke up this morning and I was inspired by the book I am reading. I think I may have mentioned it in a past entry, but a good friend lent me a book called 'Fit From Within: 101 Simple Secrets to Change Your Body and Your Life - Starting Today and Lasting Forever'. Since each chapter is fairly short, a couple of pages or so, it's perfect for just reading 1 or 2 a day. So this morning the first one that I read was 'Let Your Body Determine Its Right Size and Shape' followed by 'Stay Centered In Today'. I just felt so inspired and uplifted and free. It truly is a fabulous little book and the thing I love the most about it is the writer's humor, it totally speaks to me. So that was my morning and it was a great way to start my day.

Towards the middle of my day is where things that soured yesterday became less sour but I have to admit, I still have a bad taste in my mouth. I'm happy that things are no longer as 'hostile' as they seemed but I don't really have a good feeling about it all and in fact the bad taste is making me feel somewhat ill. But again, I am happy that this particular situation has improved because it really could only go one way. However, when you decide to leave "the past in the past" can you really do that??? Is it really possible to forgive and forget?? Forgive maybe, but I'm like an elephant, I NEVER forget!!! It is one of my numerous flaws. Something happens and I'm bitter about it for a while. It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds, that's for sure!!!

And now I am baby proofing my house!!! My little gaffer has decided to not just army crawl around the living room but instead follow mommy where ever she goes. So now I have moved the cat food out of reach and picked up all the loose coins that were on the floor and all that fun stuff!! As exciting as it is, it truly is a pain in the arse!!

So that has been my day thus far! I am looking forward to a quiet evening with a nice cup of tea and maybe even a foot rub if I can talk my husband into that, lol.

All Apologies

I don't know about you, but getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar sucks!!! Now obviously my hand wasn't really in a cookie jar, but I've been busted and now feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. The problem with quicksand is the more you struggle, the faster and more stuck you become. And I think that's exactly what's happening as I'm trying to get myself out of this hole that I've dug - I'm just sinking deeper and deeper.

It's a rather big hole too, which is even worse. And I feel bad and ashamed and quite embarrassed to be honest. And I'm sorry for how it all went down, but I'm not going to apologise for my feelings and expressing how I was feeling.

You see, I said some stuff. Now, I'm not entirely sure if it was what I said to another person or if it was something I said in my blog and to be honest, if it was in my blog, then I'm definitely not going to apologise because what I say in here is my outlet, my venting spot, and a place for me to get it all out. Regardless, I shouldn't have been "lashing out" the way I was, even though if it wasn't because of my blog, I have no idea what this person was talking about. Anyways, I do feel bad for what happened. But I can't help how I was feeling - feelings are feelings. You can't judge them anymore than you can judge someones pain. That's something they taught us in nursing school. Someone may say that their pain is a 4 out of 10, whereas another person who had the exact same procedure tells you that their pain is 20 out of 10. Who are you to judge?? Their pain is their pain just as my feelings are mine and no one elses. Perhaps you don't agree with the things I've said but I wasn't just trying to cause shit. I wrote about the things I did because I was bothered or angry or hurt.

Sorry for the vagueness of this post. I don't really want to get into too many specifics. All I want to say is that I'm sorry for what happened and for saying the things that I did. But I was just trying to express myself and how I was feeling and I'm sorry to say, I'm not sorry for that.

Jibber Jabberish

Well it was a fairly quiet day today. It was actually kind of nice. I got up, fed and played with the baby, put him down for a nap and managed to get some cleaning done around my house. I was talking with a friend this morning and complaining about how it feels like I'm always just cleaning the same part of my house over and over again, meanwhile all the other parts of my house are suffering. So today I switched things up and actually accomplished more than normal. I think this is partly because I stayed strong and stayed off the computer. Usually I do a little work, then check things out on the computer, then do some more work, and back to the computer I go. Like seriously, do I really think anything earth shattering has really happened in the 15-30 mins that I've been away trying to clean my house? I don't think so. I really need to get a life!!!!

So aside from cleaning the house, I also managed to get out of the house to meet up with a couple of other 'Island' Mom's and their babes which was really nice. 'Home' days can be extremely necessary, but it's amazing how quickly you start to get cabin fever if you don't leave your house even for a quick trip to the store. And meeting up with other moms and babes is always welcome, even if some of the mom's can be inconsiderate jerks, it's always nice to see the babies :) Sorry, that wasn't nice. I guess I'm just still a little raw from yesterday's events. After that I came home, put the boy back down for a nap (I had to wake him from his earlier nap to make it to the playdate on time) and got more cleaning done and dinner organized. So all in all it was a very productive day, although slightly boring. Tomorrow should prove to be a little more exciting, or at the very least more hectic as I have a list of things that I need to do. *Sigh*. It never ends...

Anyways, that's all for now.

Monday Rant

So I had lunch plans today with a couple of friends and we had agreed to meet at 12. Initially I had asked to do it at 12:30 so that I could take a later ferry, but one of the girls needed to go and pick up her niece from school, so earlier would be better for her. Not a problem, I was just excited to be getting together for a visit and didn't have a problem coming over earlier. There's always some shopping that needs to be done. So I took the ferry over to town, did a little running around and got to the cafe at 11:50. When I got inside, my friends were already there, which was fantastic, but when I got to the table, I noticed that not only had they already ordered their food, but they were already eating!!!! I mean, how rude is that??? Maybe it's just me, but if I had of been there first, I may have ordered my drink and food, but I would have waited until we were all together before I started eating. At the very least when the last friend arrived I would have said or commented or acknowledged the fact that we'd ordered and hoped that was OK. They didn't say anything!!! I mean, I was there 10 minutes early and they had already gotten their freakin' food and were eating!!! How inconsiderate and rude is that???? I was just pissed off and it totally soured my mood for the rest of our visit.
Anyways, later on in the day one of them asked if something had been wrong earlier and I told her that yes, something was wrong and that I was upset that they hadn't waited for me etc and she wrote back saying that it wasn't intentional that she could see where I was coming from and that she would feel the same, but yet she didn't say 'sorry'.
So it makes me wonder, how good a friends are these people? If I found out that I hurt someones feelings, I would say that I was sorry. Isn't that what you do when you're friends with someone? So if this friend could see where I was coming from and that she would feel the same, wouldn't she want someone to say sorry??? I'm just so sick and tired of unreliable and inconsiderate people. Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school again with all the bullshit that goes on. Maybe it's all me and I'm totally the problem. Maybe I expect too much from these 'so called friends'. I don't know. I don't understand. Maybe it's just as simple as some people are just assholes and there's not much you can do to change that.
Still sucks though...

Green Eyed Monster

So I mentioned in an earlier post about the green eyed monster that lives within me. I'm pretty sure that we all have a green eyed monster and I've actually done away with mine quite a bit. It used to be massive and all consuming. But over the years I have grown up quite a lot and am not quite as insecure as I used to be, so therefore I'm not as jealous about things. However, it's amazing how jealous I still can be, even at the smallest and most ridiculous little things.

Growing up I was always on the heavier side and that definitely played a major part in my being so insecure. I've also had a lot of unreliable people in my life, so it felt like I was always being let down and couldn't count on people or believe them when they'd tell me things or give me compliments. I am so thankful for my husband though, because he is the one person in my life that I can truly count on and he is amazing. But he's another story. So my weight and shady people sent me down the path of insecurity which in turn helped to feed my green eyed monster because I would look around and see other people with the things I wanted or doing things I wished that I had the guts to do or friends with the people I wanted to be friends with. That was hard. It's not fun and I hate it!!! I hate being jealous and insecure. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't get my anywhere except miserable. Anyways, as much as I try, I can't completely shake my green eyed monster. It's like I take 2 steps forward and out of nowhere I'm 5 steps back and it's so stupid!!! And most of the time, I'm jealous about the stupidest stuff.

But I'm working on it. I don't think we're ever entirely happy with ourselves, but I'm definitely a work in progress.

So I was thinking about friendship last night and about all the types of "friends" that I have. I'm actually really quite lucky to have as many close and good friends that I do, who are caring, loving, trustworthy, etc. Friends that I can truly count on to be there for me when I need them.

I was talking with one of these friends last night about friend[ship] and how when I like someone, or meet a new friend, or even reconnect with an old friend, I put my heart right out there and give - give love, support, gifts, my ears, encouragement, anything and everything that may be needed from me. I don't necessarily need or want anything back except maybe some kindness in return. Like for example, when my little gaffer got his first tooth, I was SO excited and I had a couple of "friends" that I chatted with on a regular basis, who also have babies, so I texted them to tell them. Fine, dandy, whatever. So then when the one "friend's" baby got his first tooth, I had to find out about it on facebook. I was heartbroken and felt like I didn't matter or that I wasn't important enough to know firsthand. It may seem silly or trivial but I'm kinda sensitive that way. I just want to like someone and be liked back and it hurts my feelings when things aren't reciprocated the way I would ideally like them to be. Perhaps this is my problem, maybe I expect too much or am too needy and emotional. But I don't really think it's too much to ask that if you're supposedly friends, that there's a certain amount of caring that should go BOTH ways!!!! Friendship shouldn't be ONE-SIDED!!!! My example really was a little silly, but hearing about her baby's first tooth was important to me and I was excited for him and her about it and was so looking forward to when it happened. And it just kinda crushed me that I didn't get to be one of the people she told about it.

Now I know life doesn't always work out this way. Life is busy, things happen, not everyone can react the way you want them to and they don't always need to. But I like friends who treat me with the same love and kindness that I treat them, friends who show an interest in me and care about me. This doesn't mean that we have to talk every day, week or even every month. It's nice when you do get to talk often, but the circumstance and situation don't always allow for this to happen. But when things change so abruptly, you're left to wonder where you stand and I often wonder if it's me. Perhaps I'm the problem. I've come to think of myself as "an acquired taste", maybe I'm just not the friend for everyone. And that's fine, because I can tell you that there are lots of "friends" out there that aren't for me.

One thing I have come to realize is that friendships doesn't necessarily just 'happen'. They require some effort, similar to a marriage. You can't take one another for granted, there needs to be communication and understanding, trust and honesty.

So I am grateful for all of my true, honest, dependable, and fabulous friends - you know who you are ;)